I’ve spent most of my life trying to get it right.
Get what right? Everything. My relationships. My career. My parenting. My software. My presentation. My trip. My very existence.
For the longest time, I thought that was the point—to master the game called life by figuring out the rules and following them better than anyone else.
It took me almost 4 decades to realize a simple truth: There is no “right way” to live. There’s only your way.
The Painter Who Failed His Way to Success
One of my failures as a coach was with a client who was successful as an engineer but dreamed of becoming a painter. During our first meeting, he told me, “I’ve tried and failed with multiple coaches before.”
Talk about pressure.
What followed were months of argumentative sessions, during which nothing I offered seemed to help. He rejected and dismissed my questions and was unwilling to self-reflect and take action. Eventually, after three months of coaching, we decided to part ways.
I did the only thing I could do—I bowed out gracefully, feeling like an absolute failure.
Less than a year later, I stumbled across an interview with this same client about his paintings being displayed in a gallery. The interviewer asked how he managed to move from engineering to becoming an artist.
His answer stunned me.
“I finally realized that nothing was wrong or missing,” he said. “And that no one could help me unless I helped myself first. I needed to find my own way and stop relying on others or a ‘perfect answer, strategy, coaching or skillset’ to sort my life out for me.”
That’s when it hit me. My failure was his catalyst for success. Our coaching failure was just a milestone on his journey to explore outside options before realising the answer was within himself.
The Backwards Approach to Responsibility
This pattern isn’t unique to my former client. I’ve seen it repeatedly in myself and in hundreds of people I’ve worked with:
- We try everything possible to get others to help us succeed
- We exhaust all external resources and guidance
- We feel abandoned or let down by the world
- We finally say “f*ck it—I’ll do it my way”. After all, what’s there to lose as nothing is working in my life anyway.
- We discover our own power and start paving the path forward. The path doesn’t become any easier. We just stop being the biggest obstacle in the way. We deal with the path as it is rather than from the frustration of “this should not be happening to me”.
Taking ownership isn’t our go-to strategy—it’s our last resort. It’s not Plan A. It’s barely Plan B. It’s more like Plans C through Z when nothing else works.
What would happen if we flipped this sequence and start with complete ownership – like nothing is wrong with us or with others or with life?
My Personal Ownership Cycle
Let me get vulnerable for a moment. My own cycle of ownership looks something like this:
- I work tirelessly to make everyone around me happy
- I put in the hours and do all the “right things”
- At least I get the satisfaction and consolation prize of struggling and working hard.
- Life still doesn’t work out as I think it should
- I become resentful and feel victimized. I blame myself (I am not courageous, I am not an extrovert). I blame others (they do not understand me, they are making a mistake), or life (this is not fair, why is it so hard on me?)
- Eventually, I get so fed up that I declare “f*ck all rules, processes, strategies and how to’s—I’m just going to do what I want”
- Almost immediately, I begin to feel better
- I start listening to myself and doing things my way – with complete choice and no obligation.
- Life begins to feel light, friendly and enjoyable again. Results start to happen. and even when they don’t happen, it doesn’t bother me a bit.
- I start feeling guilty about my “selfish” approach – “I can’t live this way. My luck is going to run out. This is selfish”
- Without noticing, I slip back into seeking external validation and trying to “figure it out” and “get it right”
- The cycle repeats
The pattern is clear. I feel worst when I’m abdicating responsibility for my happiness to others, and I feel best when I take ownership of my choices, regardless of circumstances or things working my way or not.
The Hidden Cost of Blame (including blaming oneself)
When we blame others for our circumstances—even subtly—we hand over our power. Each time I point a finger at something or someone else for my unhappiness, I’m saying, “You hold the key to my wellbeing.”
This isn’t just disempowering—it’s exhausting.
Consider what happens when we blame:
- We position ourselves as victims rather than creators
- We focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s possible
- We wait for others to change before we can be happy
- We put our life on hold, waiting for perfect conditions
- We miss opportunities that are directly in front of us
- We get the consolation prize of feeling sorry about ourself
A client of mine, a successful executive, spent three years blaming her boss for blocking her career advancement. During one session, I asked her what would happen if she stopped waiting for her boss’s approval and created her own path forward.
“But it’s his fault,” she insisted. “He’s the obstacle.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But who’s suffering because of that?”
The question hung in the air between us. Two months later, she had launched a department initiative that eventually led to her promotion—without her boss’s initial support.
She later told me, “I realized I was using him as an excuse to play small. The moment I took ownership, everything shifted.”
I have seen the same pattern play out differently for other clients:
- A frustrated artist stopped waiting for gallery validation and created her own exhibition opportunities, building direct relationships with collectors and establishing her own successful path.
- A struggling startup founder who shifted from blaming a better-funded competitor to identifying an underserved niche, repositioning his company to serve it exceptionally well, resulting in tripled user retention and valuable partnerships – all without falling into the narrative of “struggle and stress is inevitable”.
- A struggling parent who shifted from blaming his ex-wife and trying to control his teenagers to focusing on how he showed up as a father, resulting in rebuilt trust and improved relationships.
- An unfit, busy mom who moved beyond blaming her genetics and schedule to taking ownership of her wellbeing through small, consistent changes, finding both physical improvements and emotional freedom.
- A three-time divorcee who recognized his pattern of choosing partners who confirmed his negative beliefs about love, and did the internal work that eventually led to a healthy relationship.
- A third-generation family business owner who moved beyond blaming market forces, senior family members and honoring tradition at all costs to make tough decisions—streamlining product lines, modernizing operations, and closing legacy facilities—ultimately returning the business to profitability.
- The Frustrated Team Leader who discovered her micromanagement was causing the very lack of initiative she complained about, and transformed her approach to emphasize outcomes over methods, leading to increased team creativity and leadership.
- The CEO who stopped blaming industry changes and economic factors for stagnation and instead reimagined his service offerings and pricing structure, implementing value-based pricing and performance compensation that reignited growth.
The Moment of Power
There’s a specific moment in our leadership journeys that I’ve come to recognize as the turning point. It’s that instant when we say “f*ck it” and decide to do things our way. We are saying, “I am no longer ok that _____”. When we say that, we are drawing a line in the sand and turning a page in our life – forever.
In that moment, several things happen simultaneously:
- We stop seeking external validation or approval or understanding or appreciation
- We reconnect with our inner wisdom
- We feel a surge of energy and clarity
- We begin taking action from authentic motivation
- We experience an immediate boost in wellbeing
For me, there was a time after I lost my mother to cancer when life became so dull that there was a day when I said, “This Sumit is dead. This is a fresh start for me. Right now. Right here. This is day 1 of my life.”
After that, everything about life was different (without anything being different)
The paradox is striking: the moment we stop trying to feel better is often when we start feeling better.
But here’s the question that changed everything for me:
What if I made doing life my way into my Plan A, instead of waiting until I’m fed up to implement it?
The Ownership Experiment
Since 2021, I’ve been conducting an experiment. Instead of waiting until I’m at my breaking point to take ownership, I’m making it my first response.
When faced with challenges, I ask myself:
- What makes sense to ME in this situation?
- What would I do if I wasn’t worried about getting it “right”?
- What aspects of this situation am I treating as personal problems rather than part of the human condition?
- What do I actually want to do, beyond my ideas about what I’m “supposed” to do?
The results have been nothing short of transformative. Not because I always follow through perfectly—I don’t—but because the very act of asking these questions shifts my perspective from victim to leader and from a spectator to being a player.
Let me be clear: taking ownership doesn’t mean blaming yourself when things go wrong. In fact, it’s the opposite. It means releasing the entire concept of blame—whether directed at yourself or others—and stepping into the simple power of choice.
The Telltale Sign
How do you know when you’re living YOUR life YOUR way? It feels good to YOU.
Not “good” in the sense of constant pleasure or absence of challenge. Rather, it feels right. Aligned. True. Even when it’s difficult.
When my painter client finally took ownership of his path, he didn’t suddenly find painting or earning money from it easy. What he found was purpose. Meaning. Direction that came from within rather than without.
Your Invitation
I invite you to join me in this experiment. Over the next few days, check in with yourself regularly:
- What would you do right now if you weren’t trying to get it right?
- What aspects of your current challenges are you treating as personal failings rather than part of being human?
- What would taking radical ownership of your life—without blame—look like in this moment?
Don’t worry about perfection. In my experience, simply asking these questions creates momentum. The answers will come, and with them, a sense of clarity that no external guidance could provide.
Remember: this is your one life. No one else can live it for you. And paradoxically, the moment you truly accept that fact is often the moment life begins to flow with unexpected ease.
Taking ownership isn’t about carrying the weight of the world. It’s about releasing the weight of expectations and stepping into the freedom of authentic choice.
That’s not Plan B. That’s the only plan that ever really works.